depressive mood

28. 5. 2013 // // Kategorie Randnotizen 2013

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I am making a piece for twelve performers in Brussels, i already worked one week and still have three weeks, only in the afternoons now. It is at an educational institute, so we all must learn from it :-) , but for me it is just my next piece, it must have a personal value for me.

so again i am in a depressive mood, waiting for the ideas to come, i can’t write, can’t visit friends, can’t pay my bills, i am just watching sentimental movies of middle aged married men, who discover to be gay, i lay on bed the whole evening, as if i am drowned into state of passivity for ever.

Luckily i have some experience now with these periods of not knowing what to do, that’s the profit of being 55, and know that it will change, that the ideas will come. I learned that i must be disconnected of everyone and everything, and put my mind on blank, before i am open to some new strategies to create.

One of the problems to tackle is how to get rid of the dominant control of the choreographer who projects his aesthetics and desires into the performers. I am still not clear, if i want to be that person. I don’t want to go there, honestly, but is that really true with how i behave towards the group? Dance is a spiritual art form in my case, i can’t force the performers to join my belief-system about spirituality, but there must be a clear spiritual approach to deal with this power position of teacher and choreographer.

The politics of making work in an educational system needs a lot of time to reflect. I am happy to have this opportunity.

And yes, i know i really must lose some weight.