yesterday the first show, it went very well, except one monologue, done by me, which became too loud and angry. i was afraid that not everyone would hear me so i started in a loud voice,and came immediately in an emotional stream and could not get out of it. but for the rest, what i could see from my side of the show it went very well. Afterwards we had nice talks with the audience.

the forest was great as ever, there were poetic moments with falling leaves, and at the end the sun appeared again at the waterfall. The best light show we can wish. When I walked out of this final scene, alone, leaving the rest of the group behind, going back to the starting point, i felt that is twas my last exit, it felt as if this was my turning point to leave making theatre for good. I immediately know that this feeling is something very pathetic and Narcissistic.  A lot of what i do in this performance is a coming together of elements of work i did the last years. It seems like a swan song.

An hour later i heard myself planning the making of a big musical with friends who came to see the show. So a lot of sentiments ran through my veins, while ending performing this piece. And sentiments are nothing more than direct reactions on what happens to you at a specific moment and can also be easily forgotten.

Stewart Home wrote in his blog that at last there was a communication between us, the participants of the Randnotizen, by my reaction on his hacking and blocking me and forcing me to write my contribution on the i-pad of someone else. He is right, till now, i had no space to react on others, because i was fully occupied by making a piece in a collaborative process. All my energy got into explaining my ideas to people inside the process, my own colleagues.  I discovered, I am a person who immediately defends  his way of thinking afraid that it wouldn’t get a chance otherwise. Sometimes it felt that I am so full of myself, that there is no place for other opinions.  My first reaction is very protective, and than later, when i think of my own, i can become more open to the opinions of others. But I can’t stand anymore, sentences that block me, as  ” do you really think the public will get it.” when i was working on silence or dissolving into a landscape. My blog was a kind of protected place to reflect my thoughts in a somehow protective environment.

Of course i felt that what i wrote, operates as something very marginal, and a somewhat floating personal diary in a side frame of a festival. Most of the blogs earn their right of existence for their criticism by revealing hidden facts and giving strong opinions.

I must admit it is difficult for me to react on strong opinions, i am afraid to get to fast into a discussion about who is right, tackling each other with arguments. But from now on i will give it a try. so to be continued…

world where are you? i am mirroring myself in a little water stream in the forest. in a pose of narcissus, who came home