I just finished an intensive two weeks rehearsal period with the choreographer Maria Hassabi and tonight my holiday will start in Venice to see the Biennale and my boyfriend. Life can be good, when you don’t feel too guilty about all the work you didn’t do, and still you promised to do. Well after this week holiday there is another chance…

Today i wrote a new c.v. and describing the coming forest project at Steirische Herbst, i wrote that it will be a phantasm about the relationship between sexuality and nature. To be sure i checked the meaning of phantasm in the dictionary, and i was very happy about what i found there.

1. Something apparently seen but having no physical reality; a phantom or an apparition. Also called phantasma.

2. An illusory mental image. Also called phantasma.

3. In Platonic philosophy, objective reality as perceived and distorted by the five senses.

I would be very pleased when we can make a theatre event with fauns and nymphs between the trees that can refer or at least play with  these three different meanings of the word ‘phantasm’.

How to make not physicals things visible by performing very physical?

How many illusory mental images we create in ourselves when we want to say something positive about the force of sexuality and the beauty of nature.

And i still want to work with hypnosis protocols that distort the senses of the audience – like slowing down the pace of perception.

So the new buzz-word for inspiration is phantasm, instead of phantasy. It seems a slight difference, but preparing the piece I like to precise different perspectives.

Last night in bed, with my body captured in the intimacy of the sheets,  I saw myself hanging under an enormous white balloon flying through the air. It seemed that i didn’t want to become very grounded  in this vision, on the contrary i felt like flying higher and higher, at a certain moment I got an enormous overview, but that didn’t seem to be my final desire, i wanted to fly to the sun.  I was afraid that my balloon would explode, in the same way as Icarus lost his wings  when he came too close to the sun. The moment i thought this,  i found out that i wanted to become the sun myself, and it didn’t stop there, i also wanted to become the infinite blue of the sky in daytime and the stars at night. Perhaps this seems a little too arrogant and narcissistic but at the end, this wasn’t about me, i just wanted to disappear and dissolve in the sky itself.

Lately i thought a lot about my father. His body was buried in the ground, but he himself was convinced that God asked him to come to heaven.

self portray of me and my father, people always say that i just look like him, also in how i behave in public, acting like a fool.